I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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