The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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