He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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