I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
