I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize