Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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