He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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