he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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