I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
