i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
