Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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