I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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