After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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