She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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