I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
