I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
