You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
