I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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