i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
