It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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