Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Randomize
