You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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