I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
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