Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
