Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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