I hate all girls vehemently.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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