Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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