the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
