You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
