Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
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