Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
bring money and cleavage
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
