I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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