What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
