Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize