I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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