ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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