im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
