theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
