No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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