the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
