Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
