he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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