what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
