The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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