I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Dignity is for republicans.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
