ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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