I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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