So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
