seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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