Only a mothe r could love this liver
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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