I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'd cum for enchiladas.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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