My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
