She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
