I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
