dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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