Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
