You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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