Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
