im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize