Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
