I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
